Unfortunately this is the end of the road. Toodles, (sic) please don’t reply, cheers! These are the final words from a text from a candidate cancelling an interview with a Line Manager. At 6.30am. Apparently this ‘terribly professional applicant’ (insert as much sarcasm as you want to here) was offered a ‘better job, paying more money’ sometime between the previous evening when they confirmed attendance at the interview and 6.30 in the morning. To be honest, we should have known when the same ‘said professional’ sent a text to our consultant saying “I am looking for a friendly work environment. My resume is very clear. Perhaps you should try reading it to understand what I am looking for.”

What a dick. Here’s the thing people – your resume can only ever tell us so much.

And if our job was SIMPLY to read your resume, then quite frankly our job could be done by a three year old with an iPhone. Resumes are often either euphemistic exaggerations or missing key information altogether. We don’t expect you to write a brilliant resume, so please help us a little, we don’t know what your ideal job is, from a couple of paragraphs in a Word document.

And everyone is looking for a friendly work environment. How many people do you think come in our door and request “Look I would like to report to a megalomaniac who rules the office with total fear?” And what is a bloody ‘friendly work environment’ anyway? Seriously, it’s just as vague and trivial as someone saying they are looking for ‘someone nice’ on Tinder.

Let’s be real people, EVERYONE thinks they are nice and every work environment thinks they are friendly. So stop being a dick. Okay, let me be clear, we are talking about a minority of people here, but…. …to all the dicks: we can’t help you.

No let me be even blunter than that: We WON’T HELP YOU. We don’t want to hear from you, we don’t want you to apply for our jobs and we don’t want you to contact us at all – If you are not willing to listen. If you don’t want us to help you. If you don’t want our advice and support. If you don’t turn up for work when we have found you that ‘great’ new job. Quite frankly, if you treat us like slime and disrespect our staff, then you are not of the calibre and quality that we want to represent to unsuspecting Line Managers. So ‘Toodles’ (sic) right back at you.

Good luck with your brilliant new job. I sincerely hope it works out for you because I have to tell you, before I sign off, please do not call us again. You’re not what we (or any of the Line Managers we represent) are looking for. You’re a dick.

PPS. To the vast majority of you all, who return our calls, are straight forward with us, who listen to our advice and treat our staff AND our hiring Line Managers with respect, thank you for not being a dick. You’re the best.